Not the most light-hearted post. If you have no interest in bikes, you probably won't get anything out of reading this ...
Passed my test today. To be honest it wasn't all that difficult. I was nervous as hell but there's nothing you can do about that. I rode down to the local park and practiced some U-turns. I put my foot down about 5 times. This completely shattered my confidence. Ergo, don't practice before your test. Just assume that you can do everything perfectly. It's the safe play.
My examiner was a serious type that my instructor had warned me about. He wears a moustache. That was a very bad sign. Fortunately, he was English, so I added just a touch of "cockney" into my accent. This put me in his good books immediately -- English people love their fellow countrymen. Try a similar tack for your own test. For example, if your instructor is Asian, casually mention that your 2nd-cousin on your Great Grandmother's side, is Chinese. It can't hurt.
Provided you've practiced the 4 areas until you're comfortable, you'll be fine. The areas are:
1 - General riding. For this, you need to spend time on the road. I did it by joining PSB rides (see here) mainly. The things to watch out for are lane positioning, holding a line through corners (if you're swinging wide from the left side to the right side of the lane, you're doing it wrong), head checks at every intersection (get's very tedious but, it keeps you alert I suppose) and riding confidently in traffic. Don't thrash it, but don't baby it either. If you're taking forever to get up to speed, it tells the examiner that you're not confident. The "illusion of confidence" is the secret to passing your test. Since you're obviously not confident, we're going to have to fake it.
Be on the lookout for squirrels. These nasty little critters will run right out in front of you. It's illegal to take emergency action to avoid wildlife, if that action directly endangers other road users or pedestrians. My interpretation of that law is literally, "Speed up and run over any squirrels on the road". Don't argue with the law. Just do it.
2 - U-turns. Get your instructor to help you with this one. Then just practice on your own in an empty car park. Do loads of them, until you've got it perfect. The key is using clutch control, so get your revs up reasonably high, rest your foot on the back brake, and then just alter the clutch by tiny amounts to adjust your balance. You will probably never have to do a U-turn on your bike in the real world, but whatever. I don't make the tests. I just tell you how to pass them ... Jesus.
Don't get discouraged if you have to put your foot down. That's not a fall. It's just putting your foot down. As you get better, you won't do this any more.
Also, if you ride a Hyosung GT250R, you should immediately sell your bike and buy something more suitable for the test. You can't do U-turns on the GT250R. It should be stated in the bike's manual.
3 - Emergency stops. I don't know if anybody else has trouble with these, but for me they were the easiest thing. When the instructor raises his hand, come off the throttle and pull progressively on the front brake for about half a second, then when the weight has transferred onto the front tire, you can pull HARD. I mean, HARD. I like to pull hard about 5 times a week ... No wait. Forget that ...
I practiced about 15 emergency stops before my test, and never managed to lock the front wheel once. I did lock the back once, so just rest your foot on the back pedal without pressing. The back tire has no weight on it, so it will lock up and slide with very little pressure. It will slide quicker than a greased-up fat man on a water-slide. Locking a tire looks awesome, feels cool, and sounds fantastic. But for some reason, the examiner will count it as a "fail" if either tire locks up. Strange but true.
4 - Looking cool and sexy. This part can be tricky. If you're already a cool person, you will automatically be cooler on a bike by a factor of 3. Done and done. Feel free to skip this section.
If you're not so cool to begin with, you're going to have to fake it. I recommend getting a helmet with a cool design. If you can't afford a Shoei, get a cheap one with a similar design on it. Learn to pop your bike into neutral at the lights, lean back, rest your hands on the petrol tank, and look around confidently. Be sure to make eye contact with every driver around you. Make sure they realise that you're going to be taking off faster than them, and that's not negotiable. Probably don't do this in your test, however (keep both hands on the controls at all times, even if you're waiting at the lights of Grand Boulevard and Boas Avenue, which literally take like 3.5 minutes ... Just don't release the controls).
Since you're going to be on a 250, here is another trick. If an SS Commodore or anything faster looks like he's going to race you, just bend to the side and pretend to investigate your bike. Peer down at the engine-type bits (that's the metal bits under the petrol tank). Rev it a bit. Look down again. Shake your head. Then when the lights go green, you're struggling with your bike which is 'acting up'. The race is cancelled and you didn't lose any pride! Brilliant.
When riding with the examiner behind you, or just a friend, make sure you stick your leg out to the side when you want to change lane positions. This ups your "cool factor" by several points, and also makes it look like you're "in the know" with motorcycles. Point down towards puddles, debris or other hazards. Although the person following you will have absolutely no time to react to your warning anyway, it creates the illusion that you're confident and in control. This type of behavior can only help you, and probably accounted for me passing my test.
Make sure you give a little nod to bikes passing in the opposite direction. My current total is 9 nods given, 0 nods received in return. I think the fact that I'm not on a sports bike is the reason. Bastards. I don't want their stinking nods, anyway. And remember, never nod at scooter riders! They are a lower lifeform, beneath us, and shouldn't be acknowledged in any way.
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Anyway, after I passed the test I went for a ride. I hit Gosnells. That was a mistake for obvious reasons. Then peak-hour on the freeway for the return trip. After 15 minutes of stop-start while other bikes lane-split right past me, I got off the freeway and finally started enjoying myself. A nice trip up the coast, with a stop at Hungry Jacks, and Mullalloo Beach for a quick smoke. Beautiful riding. Anything above 80 kph is unpleasant on my bike, but on the slower roads I really enjoy myself.
So I am now free to go on any rides with PSB or alone, that I feel like. I will give some nice ride reports in the coming weeks. I may even be attempting the Perth-Donnybrook-Perth round trip on Saturday. This trip is over 500kms, most of the way on 110kph roads. Now, at those speeds, my bike squirms around like a pogo-stick in a bath of jelly, so it could be an exhausting trip. I predict a constant stream of cars and utes trying to pass me for the 3 hours each way. I'll report back if I do it.
-Gray
Watch out for those squirrels!
Well done man!!
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