[iPhone] Let's Play Order & Chaos - episode 3

Episode 3 - Crocs, bears, and leather vests

Today I spent some of my hard-earned copper coins, and bought myself a new leather vest. Here is a shot of Varkiann modelling it in front of the "Fallen Leaf Water-wheel":

Winter fashion 2011 Catalogue. "Woodsman's Leather Vest", available in stores now.

After prancing about in my new clothing for a while, I decided to explore further to the west of town. I ventured over a sturdy wooden bridge, and through a large portcullis cut into a massive stone wall.

In the woods beyond, I battled giant green spiders, who resisted my fireballs, and spat a toxic venom at me! As I hacked and blasted my way through their ranks, I happened to notice a nearby fisherman leaning against a tree. Since this was strange, I walked over and talked to him. He wanted me to slay some "giant crocodiles" at the nearby lake. Of course. Makes perfect sense.

I made short work of the scaly bastards, too:

This critter will make a lovely pair of boots, to go along with my new vest!

I'm guessing this fantasy world doesn't have the equivalent of the R.S.P.C.A.. Since arriving, I've done nothing but slay innocent wild animals. Nobody bats an eyelid.

Returning to the fisherman for my reward, I notice he has a friend with him. A "bear hunter". Let me guess ... Yes, he wants me to kill a giant bear for him. A professional bear hunter, who presumably does this for a living, is asking a strange Mage to kill a bear for him.  Ok why not -- I've taken my dagger to every other animal in this damn forest ...

I find the big bear hiding next to a lovely waterfall. He's actually much bigger than I thought. As he charges at me with a bellow, I suddenly wish I'd made friends with a warrior type ... Time seems to slow down as he approaches. Then I realise it's just a lag spike. With the illogical sound of clashing blades, we meet in mortal combat! There can be only one!

This is just silly. What has this thing been eating?!?

I could smell the fetid breath of the great animal, as it swiped at me in disjointed and repetitive animations. It's arms seemed to be made up of about 3 polygons each, but those 3 packed a real wallop! 

Fortunately, our hero Varkiann isn't about to be destroyed by a honey-eating, tree-scratching bear -- no matter how big it is. With some deft spell work, including my newly-acquired "Frost Blast", I bring the beast crashing to the ground at my feet. ROAR! Epic battle, epic skills, epic victory:

This is what happens when you put wildlife within reach of me ...

With this job done, I head back in to town to finish up the night's session. I clear out my inventory by selling everything to the local weapons merchant, who inexplicably wants to buy my "spider poison" and "crocodile scales".

While I exit to the main menu, I wonder idly why it's always day time in here. It's exhausting. Is it really that hard to add a day/night cycle to a game? And why is my character wearing a skirt? I never noticed that before ...

-Gray

[iPhone] Let's Play Order & Chaos - episode 2

Episode 2 - Bandits, lag, and a sexy bard

Today I popped up in the Goblin camp. So, I slaughtered a few more of the little bastards. Eventually I hit level 5. Soon I will start getting some new skills and spells. Hopefully one of those spells is called "Make a Woman's Clothes Vanish", which would have been useful in the Tavern, as you'll read later ...

After a while, I explored the countryside a little more, and found a ruined keep. Some ugly, filthy, stinking bandits had taken up residence in here. Nothing a few Fireball spells can't fix, though.

If these wandering rogues think they can sit peacefully in an abandoned keep, chatting and passing the time with idle conversation, they've got another thing coming! Enter Varkiann, the wandering Mage of Pain, Death and Unwarranted Chastising! 

About to open a can of whoop-ass on some rogues.

After a while I found the boss of the bandits -- I approached him, ready for battle .... But nothing happened. Why did he and his cronies not attack? Are they scared of me? Has the reputation of Varkiann the Level 5 Mage reached them, and they're playing possum, hoping I'll leave?! ...

I realised the "ping indicator" was red ... Nothing happened for another 10 seconds. Finally the game caught up with the server, and instantly I was dead! Killed by lag!! Egads!

I woke up in the local graveyard:

Dazed and confused ... How did I get here?

I wandered back towards the local Tavern. Some random guy kept inviting me to join his group. I kept rejecting him. Varkiann the Mage works alone ... You don't play with the V-Dog, the V-Dog plays with you ... Varkiann can win a staring contest, with his eyes closed ... If you have $5 and Varkiann has $5, then Varkiann has more than you ... Ok now I'm just find-and-replace'ing Chuck Norris jokes.

The Drunk Sheriff was back to his usual tricks ... Namely, being drunk in the Tavern. He offered me a great reward if I would kill some more goblins for him! What treasures awaited me? ... A pair of old boots. I sighed, went and killed the goblins, and returned for my boots. Brilliant.

Then the Sheriff sent me off to find Vincent the scout, who would help me find and kill "Field" the Chief of the goblins. Finally, we're getting something useful done! I found Vincent and he sent me back to the Tavern, to talk to Anioah the Bard. She was standing about 5 paces from the Sheriff. Hmmmm, slightly annoying.

Luckily, she turned out to be smoking hot. I tried flirting with her, but due to her being an NPC, she wasn't too responsive. I said to her, "Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend ..."

She remained stony-faced and silent.

Of course, when I say smoking hot, I mean as hot as 9 polygons can ever be made to look:

"People call me Varkiann, but you can call me tonight <wink wink>"

With a blank expression (due to her facial texture not being animated), she told me how to find Field, lord of the Goblins -- so tomorrow, I will hunt this evil creature and bring an end to his reign of terror!!

Stay tuned ...

-Gray

[iPhone] Let's Play Order & Chaos - episode 1

Thought I would do a little "Let's Play" on Order & Chaos. Playing on iPhone 4.

Episode 1 -  Time to stomp me some Goblins!

1 min - Tried to create a new account. Seems I have already registered my e-mail with Gameloft. What's my password? Who knows.

3 mins - Retrieve password via e-mail. Finally! Let's go find some Goblins to kill!! Ohhh, the title screen is pretty ... I guess this was about 3 weeks of development time just to get this screen looking so awesome.

Awesome title screen is awesome.

You can see a human, then a sexy sexy little Elf, then an Undead, and finally an Orc. These are the 4 races available to play in the game.

So far so good ... Let's create a new character.

6 mins - Character creation is done and I'm dropped into the game. I've made an Elf Mage. He's tall. I'm not sure why he's so tall. I guess I'm going to have to stoop down low, to kill those Goblins ...

Meet "Varkiann". Purple skin, blue hair and glowing eyes. This game is redefining "awesome" already ...

12 mins - After some chatting and tutorial stuff, I kill my first mob -- a "prairie wolf". It's not a Goblin. After gaining a couple of levels, I head back into the village of "Green Leaf". Time to find me those Goblins! ROAR!

Barbara the Barkeep. Word is that she's "free and easy" with passing travellers.

I head into the local watering hole, loosen my robes, and order a pitcher of the cheapest Ale in the house. Then I chat to the locals.

Nobody in the bar seems to mention anything about Goblins. There is some drunk Sheriff trying to make me go out and kill more wolves ... and some random guy called "Ninjajah" or something, who is running around in circles. He's either drunk, or looking for Goblins himself.

Eventually, I discover some farmer lady who needs me to kill some ... wolves. Oh really? Again? *sigh* Ok whatever. I'm not sure why the Town Guard can't do this ...

30 mins - Out in a different field, throwing fireballs at "timber wolves". Hmmm. They're still wolves, though.

34 mins - Left the town to explore a bit. Found a little caravan village with a horse! Yay. I stopped to say hello to the horse. It was only a Level 1 Horse, so I'm pretty sure I could have taken it down. If I had to ... I'm just saying. It was shifty.

Practicing my stealth by hiding behind the horse. You can't see me, but I'm behind his neck.

37 mins - What's that little figure on the hillside? Could it be .... YES! It's a Goblin! I power up my magical shield spell, and charge with a roar into the battle of my lifetime! It's time to slaughter this little rodent and punish his entire race for all of their evil deeds against Elves! Or just for being different ... Whatever, you really don't need an excuse to attack a Goblin, let's face it. They are the Used Car Salesmen of the fantasy world.

Victory! I pummel the evil Goblin into a fine pulp!

Disappointingly, it didn't put up much of a fight.

Tune in tomorrow, when I will try to engage some other players in conversation, and maybe form a "team" or group to explore with. I expect all sorts of problems to be honest ...

[iPhone] Review - Pocket Legends MMORPG

(Stay tuned for my review of "Order & Chaos" which I'm trying to resist buying ... It's $9 damnit.)

I never played WoW, but I was pretty big on Everquest back in the day, and then EverQuest 2 for a while. So about a year ago, I spent 3 months playing Pocket Legends on my iPod. I thought I'd revisit this game since the iPhone 4 runs everything so silky-smooth. It's pretty cool to be honest. After nearly a year, my character's were still patiently waiting for me to come back online!

You can spin and zoom your viewpoint any time.

I was pleased to learn that SpaceTime Studios have been steadily adding features, areas and items to the game. It's now quite large and very polished, with nearly 200 quests.

Anyway the basic idea is you select one of 3 races (Bear which is basically a Warrior, Avian which is an Archer, or Elf which is a Mage) and build them up through questing and killing monsters. You can build your stats any way you like, and it actually provides variety and distinction between characters. There are always loads of other people running around -- in fact, towns are "instanced" when they reach the max of 20 players, and you'll always find loads of people around to chat to. You have a friends list and can invite friends to join your instance of a dungeon, or just join another random player's game. Fighting alone is tricky so you generally fight in groups of 5.

Plenty of places to fight. Each location shown here generally has more than 5 actual dungeons within it.

The World - You can pick where you want to go straight from the World Map shown above, or you can manually walk around the world which is quite interesting. Locations are connected by portals or short pathways, so you never have to cross the wilderness or anything. Everywhere looks nice, from the dark green forests to the icy caves; from the stone dungeons to the blazing deserts.

Graphics - Pretty impressive, although I must admit the new game "Order & Chaos" (which is a fully 3D World of Warcraft clone). But Pocket Legends looks cool enough. You have lots of flashes, crackles, swooshes and such with all the spells and abilities people set off during combat. Towns are nicely detailed, although small. Characters look different depending on what gear they have equipped, so you won't see loads of the same character walking around.

My level 33 Warrior, chilling in a town with his music headphones on ;-)

Sound - Good sound. Nice quality of music and "ambient" sounds throughout the various locations.

Gameplay - Well as you reach the higher 30+ levels, it starts to slow down a lot and you'll find that you have to run through a complete set of dungeons several times to gain levels. At least I do. So it starts to grind. But remember I put a good 3 months or so into this game which is outstanding for an iDevice game, at least in my experience. You really get your money's worth here.

It's Auto-Attack which means once you engage with a monster, you can mentally step back and watch the fight unfold. But you'll have plenty to do engaging other spells and abilities manually. They got the balance just right. You're never bored when you're in a hostile area, and often you won't have time to chat or reply to people until you clear the area of monsters.

Items are a big part of this game, and it has a huge variety. I don't know the numbers, but certainly hundreds and hundreds of different items to find, buy, sell, auction or trade. There is in-game trading by simply touching another character on the screen. And I believe there is an Auction House now, but I haven't tried that yet.

Of course there is in-game chat, including private messaging (tells) and a full profanity filter which "mutes" people who use naughty language, and a full emote system so you can make your character burp or lol or ... whatever.

My Mage in combat. Skills down the right side, other stuff around the edges.

Value - Well it's hard to complain when the game is free! You will have to spend a few dollars along the way to unlock "map packs" which let your character grow even further. But you can download Pocket Legends for free and try it up to level 10 or so. See if you like it.

There are plenty of "hard core" players who have multiple capped characters, and who spend extra money for in-game "platinum" so that they can buy various novelty items and stat-boosting potions (but spending this money is certainly not necessary). It depends how much you want to get into it, but there is a big, active forum and a general sense of community which surprised me, given that this is a handheld game.

Go here (official web site) to learn more, or just download it on the App Store for free. It also works on Android devices now.

Pocket Legends MMO - 4 out of 5 (or 5 out of 5 if played on the iPad)
Not everybody's cup of tea, but as "an MMO on iPhone", it's very hard to fault. Slightly too much for the iPhone's small screen, but still very playable. If you have an iPad, it would be awesome.

-Gray

My Elf get's "jiggy with it" in the Graveyard. She's loving life, and loving it hard.

 

[iPhone] Review - Real Racing 2

[This is an opinion piece on "Real Racing 2" by Firemint. The official website is here.]

I spent quite a few hours with the original Real Racing, on my iPod Touch. So having a new iPhone 4, I thought I'd give this new game a try. After all, why would you want to sit comfortably on your couch, playing a racing game on your console with a 52" plasma TV and surround sound -- not when you can hunch over and peer at a 4" iPhone screen. It's common sense.

Menu screen. It's a menu screen. You pick shit from it.

Gameplay - Rock solid. You tilt to steer, and the actual image on the screen tilts against you to keep everything horizontal. It's a great system. Car handling is OK. It's not Forza 2 but it's much more realistic than any of those "Need for Speed" games that people keep buying.

Graphics - Obviously, pretty stunning. I can't really fault the graphics. The cars all look terrific, and so do the environments. The in-car view, which I always use, is pretty awesome too:

In car view is from in the car ....

Each car has it's own cockpit of course. Interestingly, I've never come across any slow-down, even at the first corner when you have 15 other cars all braking and bunching up.

Sound - Pretty solid. Many of the sounds are carried over straight from the original Real Racing, unfortunately. Could do with some meatier-sounding engines, to be honest. Music is a decent blend of rock, and dance-type stuff.

Single Player - Of course you have Quick Race, and Time Trials, but Career Mode is where you want to spend your time. You earn "rep" and money for completing races, and you'll quickly be buying new cars left and right, and upgrading them. And the upgrades actually make sense, for example "Cat-back exhaust", "Composite brake pads", etc. They vary in name and cost depending on the car you're upgrading. Better than some stupid thing like "Level 3 Engine Upgrade" from those "Need for Speed" games ... Pah, Need for Speed ... "Need for Some Realism" I'm calling them.

AI opponents are fine. They don't seem quite as aggressive as the first game.

Multiplayer - Here is where the only problems with this game come up. Multiplayer is actually fun and competitive, but the big problems are:

Skill Matching is poor. You'll often find yourself in a game with mostly slower cars like the VW Golf, and then 2 super-fast cars. Of course, they tear away from everybody else in the first few seconds, which leads to the second problem ...

People quit a lot. Like, every race has people dropping out. Probably because ...

There is no penalty for quitting as far as I can tell. At least if you lost some "rep" points, people might be less inclined to do it. Then again, there really is ...

No incentive for playing Multiplayer anyway, apart from fun. You're not earning the cash and rep that you can so easily earn in Singleplayer mode.

Maybe Firemint will address some of these things in an update.

Otherwise, this is a cool game which is easy to start playing, and get's more and more interesting as you turn off the driving aids (steering assist, braking assist, and anti-skid).

Real Racing 2 - 4 out of 5

Orange car is orange.

-Gray

[iPhone] Dominos Pizza app

GeoTagged, [S31.74350, W115.77513]

From clicking "Confirm" to the knock on the door was only 21 minutes. A bit TOO fast if you ask me -- suspicious.

Anyway, can't complain about this app.

[Movie] "Super 8" Review (SPOILERS)

Well I'm glad I only dropped $10 on this piece of rubbish. The name "Steven Spielberg" used to stand for something. It stood for quality, story, and other useful things. How he attached himself to "Super 8",  I'll never know.

Take "Cloverfield" and add a pinch of "Signs", and a dash of "E.T.". That's the recipe for this movie. The strange thing is, I liked those movies, whereas "Super 8" stinks worse than my socks after riding my bike in the heat for 4 hours.

Kids discover an alien invasion, somehow survive while trained soldiers around them are brutally slain, the girl get's taken by the beast, the main character rescues her, he manages to communicate with the creature, and then everybody watches it safely return to it's home planet, while hugging, with nice music playing. Even more predictable than "Transformers".

Of course, you have to have a love interest for the main character. And she has to get saved from certain death, at the last possible second. And then hug him while emotional string music plays, even though they are literally in the den of a massive beast and would probably be blubbering and screaming, running for their lives. Pathetic. Unrealistic.

You've got your all-American main character with the boyish good looks, then you've got your slightly-goofy sidekick for comic relief. The overweight kid gets jealous over the main character's budding relationship with the girl. So that's a 30 second scene. Then they don't explore it further. In fact, character development is basically zero. The two fathers who hate each other, suddenly mend their differences and become friends during the crises. This is covered in a 30 second driving scene. 

I have no idea who this movie is aimed at. It's too scary for kids, with the "sudden noise" jumps all over the place, and the nasty looking creature killing people left and right.

But no intelligent person over the age of 18 should enjoy this film. So I'm confused about who it's designed to entertain. I guess -- nobody.

Super 8 - 2 out of 5.
Avoid!

-Gray

[iPhone] Review - Papa Sangre

[This is an opinion piece on "Papa Sangre", by SomethinElse. The official website is here.]

Strange little game this one. You have to walk your character around in pitch darkness, using sound as your only sensory input. For the most part it works fairly well. You have to collect gently tinkling "musical notes", before locating the exit and reaching it. The main hazard are monsters which are only ever described as "hogs". You will have to let your own mind decide how they look, but they sound pretty nasty. Passing close to a sleeping hog is fairly nerve-wracking, and the first time I woke one up and I listened to it mauling me while my character screamed repeatedly, I decided that this was a pretty good game.

You tap your two thumbs to make your character walk, and pull your finger across the top half of the screen to turn around. The 3D sound is brilliant. Run too fast and you'll fall. Run into a wall and you'll be stopped dead. Since all the graphics are "rendered" inside your own head, the image quality will vary depending on your hardware. If you're running with just Intel on-board graphics (ie., you have the visualisation capacity of  a moron), you might fail to be drawn into the game at all. If you've got a Radeon HD 6990 (ie., a good brain), you'll find things very creepy indeed.

As you progress through the levels, the game introduces new challenges. These include patroling hogs, dry bones that snap when you walk over them which causes the nearest hog to charge to that location looking for you, a crying baby that you can choose to rescue, quick sand which forces you to move slowly ... I'm only about 25% into the game so far, so I expect more variety to come.

It also includes different terrain types within the same level -- for example in the marsh level, you will move through wet reeds, knee-deep water, and the soggy soil of an island in the middle. Of course you have to map all this out within your mind.

The interesting part of this game is playing it with your eyes closed, and forming a mental picture of your surroundings, based purely on the sounds entering your ears. I can't recall any other game making you do this, and I've been playing games since about 1987. So for that alone, Papa Sangre deserves some kudos.

It's not a brilliant game, but it tries something completely new, and pulls it off very well. It's immersive, fresh, interesting, engaging, and occasionally quite terrifying. I'd say most modern triple-A titles fail to tick all of those boxes. And this goes for around $6 I think.

Just make sure you play it in a dim, quiet room.

Papa Sangre - 4 out of 5

-Gray

[iPhone] Augmented Reality Apps

Looked into these apps briefly today. My theory here is that it's a lot of very impressive technology, all coming together to produce something ... not very useful.

Holding up your camera and having points of interest, ATMs, restaurants, whatever, overlaid on the image in real-time sounds like a pretty cool idea. It's just not that useful. Let's face it, you're going to feel like a right knob spinning around in the middle of the street, peering at your phone. It's nothing that a map app couldn't do faster and better.

One slightly interesting app is "AR Soccer" (YouTube vid here). It's not bad. I can't imagine playing it too often. More of a gimmick. But at least it actually provides some type of entertainment. The collision detection isn't perfect but it's quite good. I want to give AR Defender a try but I don't want to waste another $1.20 on something I'll never play again.

Also I noticed AR Girl (YouTube vid here) but if you think I'm paying good money for a non-existent dancing girl, you've got another thing coming. Especially when you can see real girls dancing in any nightclub. Now, if you could reach in with your hand and start removing her clothing and tickling her, they'd be making millions (mostly pre-teen boys would be buying it, I would think).

Guess this is just one more step on the road to holographic, heads-up overlays projected directly onto our eyeballs. Or holographic strippers taking off their clothes on our desktops at work. Either way, we're heading in the right direction.

-Gray

[iPhone] iPhone 4 purchased

Was showing the dude at work how shatter-proof my Sonim XP3 was ... and I shattered the screen.

So got myself an iPhone 4 tonight. In white for extra coolness. I asked the guy "Have you sold any white ones to guys, or only chicks?" He said "Oh no, plenty of guys have bought them."

I said, "Yes but, were they gay?" and he pauses for like 3 seconds and goes, "Not that I know of." completely straight-faced. Brilliant. But a cover will hide it anyway. I just bought one for $40. Absolute ripoff but what can you do.

Interestingly, I can open the App Store on the iPhone, and select an option to list all "Purchased Items". These are apps which I already paid for using my iPod Touch, and can now be downloaded straight onto the iPhone 4. Brilliant! Apple really is doing something right. It really is no wonder that Macs are gaining popularity around the world. (Are they actually gaining popularity? I have no idea. Somebody throw some stats at me, I'm interested.)

So, now that I can run all the games, I'll be buying and playing more. I bought a lot of games for my iPod Touch 2G. Probably spent $100 on games, not including music of course. But this iPhone runs things so much more quickly, I'm more inclined to use it.

Tonight I bought "Papa Sangre", "Infinity Blade" and "Hanging with Friends". Hanging with Friends is obviously fun. Infinity Blade I haven't run yet. I've only played Papa Sangre for 10 minutes but I was very, very impressed. This is exactly the type of game I'm attracted to. Keep your Call of Duty 6: Future Warfare: Aliens in Space Edition. I'm a fan of Minecraft, text-based MUDs, ADOM, Dwarf Fortress (although I never overcame the ridiculous learning curve), and other off-the-wall type of games.

Papa Sangre has the best graphics of any game I've ever played. By that I mean, it has no graphics. It's purely sound-based. You tap your thumbs on the screen to walk, or run, but don't run too fast or you'll stumble and fall. And as you navigate the room, you'll build a picture of what's around you based on the sounds you're hearing. There's awful, terrible monsters. Tip-toe past a sleeping "hog", and tell me you're not a little bit scared. It's over 100 MB, with no graphics, so that should give you some idea of the quality of sound in this game. It's 3D sound.

Now, don't start arguing that "How can you have 3D sound? You only have 2 ears!". You have 3D sound in the real world, yes? ... Using only 2 ears. So proper use of headphones replicates this effect. I'm also a fan of "Naturespace" which is billed as "holographic audio environments". A huge fan, actually. I might review that another day.

In fact I'll just review Papa Sangre another day, after I've spent some more time with it.

For now, just know that I'm rocking the iPhone 4, my credit card is starting to run hot on the App Store, and I'm slightly tipsy from a very strong brandy and lemonade. God bless.

-Gray

PS. Oh somebody Face Time me. That shit is all kinds of awesome. Absolutely pointless as far as I can tell, but all the best technology starts off that way. Imagine when they invented the "telephone". People would have been like, "Oh, so if you have a phone, and the other person has one, you can call them? Why not just walk around to their house? So pointless." But yeah, anyway, face time is kind of cool anyway. I like it.

[Games] Why modern FPS singleplayer sucks

Just some thoughts while watching a Let's Play for the latest Aliens vs Predator game ... These comments refer specifically to that game, but I'm sure they apply to many other FPS games too. Don't tell me to stop whinging. I'll stop whinging when multi-national gaming companies stop putting out absolute tripe for $120. And it's my blog, so get stuffed ...

Treating the player like a 12-year old. How many FPS games start with a cutscene, and then somebody in your earpiece telling you "look around a bit ... good. Now walk around a bit.". After you move the right analogue stick, they tell you "use your flashlight for dark places" and the screen pops up "Hit Y to switch on your light" ... I'm sick of it. Show the basic controls on the loading screen, and leave it at that. Maybe have a tutorial level at the start, which you can skip if you've played a FPS before. I've been playing FPS's since Wolfenstein 3D, I don't need it explained to me every ... single ... game!!

Too "Hollywood". Everything is scripted to the Nth degree. The scares are paced so predictably. First a dark room, then around a corner you get a panel shooting off in a jet of steam, then some screaming and gunfire over the radio ... Look, it was scary 10 years ago. How about trying something different? How about some dynamism in the paths you can take through the levels, letting the player find their own route, throwing in some NPC's with basic AI routines so that you actually feel like there is a fire-fight going on.

Audio logs. Look, it worked OK-ish in Doom 3, but let's move on now shall we? It's so unrealistic. Why are all the other people dropping audio logs everywhere when they die? And they only ever talk about 2 things -- how scared the person is, or you. Yes, it seems all the other people in the game make random audio recordings with their thoughts about you. So unrealistic. If I was stranded on a strange planet with Xenomorphs everywhere, do you really think I'd take the time to record "my thoughts on the rookie"? No, I wouldn't.

And for God's sake, you've spent $600,000 on the graphics, $100,000 on the script -- how about spending something on some decent voice actors?

Immersion is unrealistic. Like I said, you feel like you're walking down a tightly scripted path. Because you are. Just ahead of you, people die and drop audio logs, like breadcrumbs for you to find. Occasionally you might join up with some of your squad mates, but rest assured you'll be separated again soon. Why? Because it's "more scary" to be alone. Sure it is. But it's pretty predictable too.

The "Michael Bay" Over-saturation Effect. This spoiled Transformers 2 for me. I'm talking about when every shot is so over-processed that it becomes unrealistic. In Transformers 2 it was every action sequence with it's perfectly-framed, spinning, slow-motion shot. In the AvP game, it's the environment. The placement of every light, every jet of steam, every piece of broken machinery ... Nothing looks natural any more.

The "voice in your ear". I've touched on this, but let me rip it to shreds a little more. So the player is considered "a nameless rookie" (typical), yet there is another Marine who finds the time to talk you through every little activity. "Oh, you're in Ops ... I've rerouted the power for you" ... "Careful, I'm seeing some hostile movement in your area" ... What the FUCK, lady??! Aren't you fighting for your life somewhere? If you're not, and you obviously know where I am, shouldn't you be coming to collect me?

The HUD or overlay. I honestly thought we would have moved past this by now. If you want to show the player how much ammo they have, put a display on the side of the gun. If you want to express to the player how injured they are, make them experience physical effects of injuries -- limping, reduced turning speed, blurred vision, gasping in pain, heavy breathing ... Can we PLEASE get rid of health bars?!?

Also I'm sick and tired of flashing boxes, or pulsing arrows, showing me where the switch is to open the next area. Just put the player in the room. They will work it out. We don't need our hand held every freaking step of the way, thankyou very much. Am I playing this game, or is it playing me? Look back at the original Doom. It had switches to open doors on the other side of the level and we managed just fine. We didn't need "objective arrows" or any of that bullshit.

Power cells for generators. Come on. This is "make work". How did the cells get removed from the generator? Why are they scattered in the room right before the generator? Don't tell me it's a "puzzle" when the cells are the only thing in the room glowing bright blue ... and the generator has a flashing box displayed over it, and the words "Hold X to interact" come up. Christ almighty!

LOL just watched the bit where you finally reach the chick. She gives you a better gun, then conveniently, another squad calls for backup and she sends you. So off you go on your own again. Brilliant .... HOW BELIEVABLE IS THIS? It's silly ... Now we reach the other squad, and guess what? They're all dead. What a surprise. I'm out of here ...

-Gray

5 More Things that annoy me

1. Hot women who are bitches. No need for it. Your life is already easier due to being good looking. How about sharing some smiles around, making some men happy? It's not that hard, you stuck-up bitch. Hell, I'm not Brad Pitt, but I'd put myself up around Colin Farrel, Matt Damon sort of level -- and I still smile and say hello to chicks.

2. People who pronounce "specific" as "pacific". Are you a toddler? Are you just learning to speak? No, you're a grown adult. Please learn the word and pronounce it correctly. Thankyou.

3. People who answer their phones "Hello?" even though they just looked at the incoming call screen, and they know damn well who is calling.

4. The fact that "SUV" has entered the Australian vernacular. It was bad enough when the American's invented it, but you expect such drivel from them.

5. People who cough without putting their hand over their mouth.

That is all.

-Gray

5 Things that annoy me

Just getting these off my chest.

1. People who stir their coffee for 10 seconds or more. Stir it for 2 seconds then stop. It's not getting any more dissolved, you moron ...

2. People who buy a 4x4 and then ... lower it. So now you've got the same ground clearance as a standard car. You can't see over traffic ... Why did you buy a 4x4 in the first place?

3. People who do 30kph or more in a carpark. Every single car you pass has the potential for a small child to run out from behind. Do the world and favor and drive according to the conditions. Carparks = SLOW.

4. People who say hello to you at work, then pass you 30 minutes later and say hello again. It's been said. Leave it alone now. Thankyou.

5. People who don't put their headlights on during rain. It's basic common sense. You see how 80% of other cars have their lights on? Wake up. Turn on your brain. You absolute chimp! Why does the government let you get behind a wheel?

Cheers,
-Gray

[Bike] Sunday cruise, much noddage

Started with a lovely cup of tea at "Simply Cottage Tea House" again. You can't get better. Then I rode 284km.

First stop was Bullsbrook. I rode straight through -- nothing to see here. Didn't even slow down, lest some of the locals tried to grab me and get their hands on "this here youngun's fancy bike and his shiny ipod". I thought about stopping to urinate. I didn't need to go, but, at least if I stop to urinate I feel like I've "been" to a place. I'm not saying "Bullsbrook isn't even worth pissing on", but... Well, maybe I am saying that.

Then on through some twisty roads, ending up in Toodyay. Great roads. Too bad my bike wouldn't break 120kph, or 130kph downhill. Oh well, only 11 more months until I get a real bike.

In Toodyay I stopped at the Coca-Cola Cafe. I call it "The Old Triple C", or "Trip-C" for short. Not a bad little place. All sorts of riders stop in Toodyay on a Sunday, and there is always plenty of bikes to look at and riders to talk to. I said hello to some of the PSB guys who were on their country ride.

Paid $8 for a coffee which was cold, and a shortbread which was actually pretty good.

Then back on the road for the stretch to Northam. On the way out of Toodyay, I passed the ultimate badass. This guy was riding a massive chopper, with an open-faced helmet. He had a massive grey beard and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth! I don't care who you are, that's hardcore. I laughed. He was kind of trying too hard. Don't tell me he couldn't have waited a few more seconds to finish his smoke before riding off.

Northam was like riding into a ghost town. You ever see the movie "The Quick and the Dead"? They could have filmed it in Northam. Nothing but closed storefronts and cafes. How are you going to attract tourists when all the cafe's are closed on a Sunday afternoon? So I rolled in to the Visitor's Centre to see what was up. The old lady in there nearly had a heartattack when I walked through the door. I guess they don't get too many visitors these days. She directed me to a pub called ... "Fitzgerald Hotel" I think. This place was strange.

I walked in and the pub was completely empty except for 4 old boys who looked like they'd been sitting in the same spot for the last 60 years. They stopped talking when I walked in. You could cut the tension with a knife as I walked up to the bar. My riding pants made an awkward "swishing" noise as I moved. I put my helmet on the bar and ordered some food and a cider. I went for the "sesame-covered salt-and-pepper calamari with fried rice, salad and sweet chilli sauce". Pretty strange meal. But it tasted good!

Every 2 minutes, a vehicle would trundle along the main street, past the tavern. There were only 2 types of vehicles - beat up Toyota Hilux's with old men driving, and souped-up Commodore utes with young men driving. Brilliant. The only females I saw were walking along the main street. God only knows where they were going. Nothing, and I mean nothing, was open, except for about 4 pubs. All the women were overweight too. Weird little town.

Some cops rolled past as I was starting up my bike. We exchanged nods. Nice and relaxed, those country cops. God bless them. If I nodded at some cops in the Perth CBD, they'd screech to a halt and jump out, weapons drawn, screaming "LET ME SEE YOUR HANDS YOU FILTHY SCUM!! WHY DID YOU NOD AT US??"

Then the final leg, heading south and then hooking back in west to end up at "Simply Country Cottage Tea House of Simplicity" or whatever it's called. Another delicious cup of tea and a scone! Again with the two attractive young girls working there. I've decided they're way too young and by even thinking about chatting to them, I'm making myself a dirty old man. So I read a book on my iPod.

Then it was back home, via Whiteman Park. Great roads in Whiteman Park. Well they would be great, if you weren't constantly stuck behind Toyota van's with 6 kids in them, the driver taking the turns at about 20kph.

Now, one thing I tried for the first time today is my "neck warmer". Lovely! Stops a lot of the wind and noise, and keeps that neck toasty-roasty warm! Plus, when you first pull it on, you can leave it covering your mouth and nose and you feel like a Harley rider. It's awesome.

I was running with the full kit today, so every time I got back on the bike, it took about 3 minutes to gear up. iPod in my ears, zip up the jacket over the wire, put on my high-vis vest, put on my backpack and tighten the straps, sit on the bike, glasses off, neck warmer on (look around, feeling like a hard bastard), helmet on, do up the helmet being careful not to pull the earplugs out, glasses back on, flip down the tinted visor, both gloves on, zip up the wrists of the jacket, start the bike - BAM! Show time. Good job I was in no hurry.

Oh yeah, and I got most of my nods returned. And I even got somebody who nodded at me first! I think that's the first time. I told you I would get the nods back in fashion. I'm taking full responsibility for this return of nodding. Call me "The Lord of the Nod".

-Gray,  Lord of the Nod

[Bike] Sunday Country CHARITY Ride

Sunday I will be riding a big lap, starting from my favourite little Country Cottage place in Swan Valley. This place is great, just a lovely little spot to sit outside with a cup of tea, maybe a scone, and relax before getting back on the bike. Nothing sexual about it. No tension. But lately I've had a problem -- I've seen 2 girls working there that are smoking hot. The problem is that they're about 10 years younger than me. And could be the owner's daughters, who knows. Kind of awkward. So instead of relaxing with my cup of tea, now I've got that sexual tension, that constant distraction of attractive females walking past my field of vision. To be honest I might have to find another place to get cups of tea.

So back on topic. This Sunday I'll ride from the tea place, up to Bullsbrook, then in to Toodyay, and finally across to Northam. That's 4 stops in total. I'll need donations to cover a bottle of coke here, a cup of tea there, maybe even a light lunch if I can find a bakery which isn't crawling with flies and filth. That's where the "charity" comes in. You guys pay me to have a pleasant weekend ride.

In return, I will learn one cool fact about each town I stop in, and teach you about it right here in my blog. So it's EDUCATIONAL! Yes. Brilliant.

I'll probably take a camera. And I'll talk to some locals and ask about their little backwater shithole-- I mean, "quaint country town". Get a feel for the local atmostphere. Put my finger on the pulse. Sip from the cup. Sniff at the flower of ages past. Immerse myself in a bath of pure history as I soak in the sights, sounds, and probably smells of country Australia.

For Monday the public holiday, I'm thinking of doing a similar run, but south. We'll see.

-Gray

[Bike] New visor, and gear cost summary

Bought a smoky visor today. Not smoky as in "Can you spare a Winny Blue mate?" -- I mean tinted. Looks nice and dark from the outside, not so dark from the inside which is good. Cuts out all the glare. But I didn't care about that. It's the image I'm going for. Pure sex on wheels now.

The beauty about wearing all the bike gear, with the visor down, is that nobody knows what you actually look like. So when I roll past some hunnies and blow them a theatrical kiss, or stand up on the foot pegs and make pelvic thrusting motions against the fuel tank, they assume I'm good looking. It's win-win for me.

Here's a quick summary of gear I've purchased so far, in case you were wondering.
Helmet $200
Jacket $160
Gloves $100
Winter Pants $160
Tinted Visor $70

That's a total of $690. All I need now are some boots.

-Gray

[Bike] First really close call

So this monkey decided to switch to the right hand lane with a sudden jerk. Nearly squashed me into the middle barrier but fortunately my uber-quick reflexes saved my skin (and some credit to the bike's front brake, too).

I blasted my horn but I don't think his 90-year old ears have worked for years anyway.

I supposed I should get used to this kind of incident.

30 second Restaurant Review - Grill'd Burgers

(This review is my own personal opinion, based on my own personal experience, personally. Which may not be the same as your own experience.)


Tough little review this one. After enjoying Australia's Finest Burgers so many times, it was always going to be a tough act to follow. Imagine taking the stage after The Beatles, or taking your shirt off after me -- you're never going to be able to measure up to the previous glory.

But let me be subjective and unbiased(*).

Ambiance - Well it's Subi, so I have to give one point just for the sexy, sexy people walking around. Everybody walking around in $200 shoes, playing with their iPhones and such. +1 point.

Service - You have to order at the counter. Hmm. But the staff were friendly and that's all-too-rare these days. Food didn't take long to come out. +1 point.

Price - About $12 for a cheeseburger, so it's a little cheaper than I'm used to paying. Unfortunately, this was reflected in the quality of the food. Was my burger worth $12? Yes. If it had cost $15, I'd be upset right now. +1 point.

Drinks - Standard stuff. Soft drinks or beer. My cider was brought, no offer of a glass was proffered or on offer. Some people like to have their cider in a glass, with ice cubes. I'm just saying. 0 points.

Food - And now we get to the meat of the issue! Haha, brilliant pun. The bread is great, lightly toasted. A bit too much flour on the outside frankly -- if I wanted my hands covered in flour, I'd become a baker. The salad was fresh enough, slightly limp though. The lettuce wasn't really crispy. In fact, it was about as limp as my penis on a bus full of old aged pensioners. That's pretty damn limp, take my word for it.

The real problem here was the pattie, which was slightly overcooked, and lacked any real flavour. Pretty dissapointing. They try to make up for this by heaping on about 9 tablespoons of "herb mayonnaise" which appears to be mayonnaise, with some type of herbs in it. Tasted fine but it had nothing to compete with. The only taste was the mayo. How about injecting some flavour into the actual meat? Just a thought. Overall not too shabby, so +1 point.

So not too disappointing, nothing special, just a middle-of-the-road burger at middle-of-the-road prices. It's somewhere between McDonalds, and Australia's Finest Burgers. Better than fast-food, but not good enough to be gourmet. It's like a fast-food-gourmet thing. "Formet", I'm going to call it. (formet, "for-may", noun. Somewhere between "fast food" and "gourmet")

Oh, and -1 point for having a big sign at the entrance proclaiming "Best Burgers in Australia". This is completely unsubstantiated, and very likely to be untrue. False advertising. -1 point. BAM!

Final Score - 3 out of 5
GRILL'D BURGERS, SUBIACO - DECIDEDLY AVERAGE 

-Gray

* All my blog entries are objective and biased.