30 second Cafe Review - San Churros, HIllarys Boat Harbour

I know this is a bit too long, but I'm livid. I have to vent my feelings before this insane 5-hour sugar rush wears off. Skip to the end if you just want the score ...

OK let me just say that this place is fairly popular. Plenty of people must like it. But since this blog belongs to me and not those other morons, let me be brutally honest. This place should be closed down by the government. I assume the government regulates how much caffeine Red Bull can put in their cans. So why doesn't Julia Gillard step in here, and control the amount of melted chocolate that these people are serving as "drinks"?

Remember in Rush Hour, when Chris Tucker buys a box of fried Eel from the noodle stand? (Or was it Camel's Hump? ...) He says to the guy, "Damn Chen! That's some greasy shit! ... How you gonna sell a big box of grease??!" Well, San Churro, I say to you - How you gonna sell a big cup of sugar?

I've been to San Churros once before, and I could barely finish it. I literally had hallucinations on the drive home (I'm not joking). But some people at work (including DJ Langy! *shakes fist in anger*) swore that I would love the "hot and cold"! I did ... Until I got about half way through. It's a hot chocolate with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. The first part is nice enough. Then you get near the bottom of the mug, and you discover about 2 inches of pure, undiluted, syrupy, melted chocolate. I tried to get through it all. I took small sips. I stopped to breathe heavily for a while. I took another sip. My right eyelid spasmed involuntarily. I knew this was doing some serious damage to my body.

Look, I'll smoke cigarettes, ride a motorcycle in the wet, and even use the Transperth Rail network if I have to. But this stuff is really dangerous.

Also I was told to try some "Churros" which is Spanish for "donut". I don't know why they don't just call it a "donut". We're not in Spain.

These things are long, thin donuts. It was so dense with sugar and fat, I nearly gagged. As Kraemer said once, "It's all surface area! There is nowhere for the taste to hide!" So that was another epic fail.

I rode through the pouring rain, to spend about $15 on this poisonous stuff that I couldn't even finish.

Ambiance - Lot's of wood. It's nice. But then, charging $6.50 for a cup of melted chocolate, of course they can afford to spruce the place up a little. +1 point.

Prices - Sweet Moses, people will pay anything. I believe they could charge $19 for a drink, and some people would pay it. A fool and his money are easily parted. -1 point.

Staff - Pretty cool. Cheerful and helpful. I like that. I especially liked the foreign-looking guy with the afro. He was really cool. I'm giving an extra point here, just for that afro (and the hottie I saw in the kitchen). +2 points.

Location - Lovely spot at Hillarys boat habour. +1 point.

Drinks - Awful. Simply terrible. I honestly don't know how people can drink melted chocolate. "MELTED CHOCOLATE IN A MUG" IS NOT A DRINK! A milkshake is a drink. A coke. A coffee or tea. Christ almighty. -2 points.

Final Score - 1 out of 5

SAN CHURRO AT HILLARYS - BOYCOTTED