[iPhone] Let's Play Order & Chaos - episode 2

Episode 2 - Bandits, lag, and a sexy bard

Today I popped up in the Goblin camp. So, I slaughtered a few more of the little bastards. Eventually I hit level 5. Soon I will start getting some new skills and spells. Hopefully one of those spells is called "Make a Woman's Clothes Vanish", which would have been useful in the Tavern, as you'll read later ...

After a while, I explored the countryside a little more, and found a ruined keep. Some ugly, filthy, stinking bandits had taken up residence in here. Nothing a few Fireball spells can't fix, though.

If these wandering rogues think they can sit peacefully in an abandoned keep, chatting and passing the time with idle conversation, they've got another thing coming! Enter Varkiann, the wandering Mage of Pain, Death and Unwarranted Chastising! 

About to open a can of whoop-ass on some rogues.

After a while I found the boss of the bandits -- I approached him, ready for battle .... But nothing happened. Why did he and his cronies not attack? Are they scared of me? Has the reputation of Varkiann the Level 5 Mage reached them, and they're playing possum, hoping I'll leave?! ...

I realised the "ping indicator" was red ... Nothing happened for another 10 seconds. Finally the game caught up with the server, and instantly I was dead! Killed by lag!! Egads!

I woke up in the local graveyard:

Dazed and confused ... How did I get here?

I wandered back towards the local Tavern. Some random guy kept inviting me to join his group. I kept rejecting him. Varkiann the Mage works alone ... You don't play with the V-Dog, the V-Dog plays with you ... Varkiann can win a staring contest, with his eyes closed ... If you have $5 and Varkiann has $5, then Varkiann has more than you ... Ok now I'm just find-and-replace'ing Chuck Norris jokes.

The Drunk Sheriff was back to his usual tricks ... Namely, being drunk in the Tavern. He offered me a great reward if I would kill some more goblins for him! What treasures awaited me? ... A pair of old boots. I sighed, went and killed the goblins, and returned for my boots. Brilliant.

Then the Sheriff sent me off to find Vincent the scout, who would help me find and kill "Field" the Chief of the goblins. Finally, we're getting something useful done! I found Vincent and he sent me back to the Tavern, to talk to Anioah the Bard. She was standing about 5 paces from the Sheriff. Hmmmm, slightly annoying.

Luckily, she turned out to be smoking hot. I tried flirting with her, but due to her being an NPC, she wasn't too responsive. I said to her, "Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend ..."

She remained stony-faced and silent.

Of course, when I say smoking hot, I mean as hot as 9 polygons can ever be made to look:

"People call me Varkiann, but you can call me tonight <wink wink>"

With a blank expression (due to her facial texture not being animated), she told me how to find Field, lord of the Goblins -- so tomorrow, I will hunt this evil creature and bring an end to his reign of terror!!

Stay tuned ...

-Gray