[iPhone] Let's Play Order & Chaos - episode 5

Episode 5 - Stale Bread, a Retarded Squirrel and Sweet Revenge

Well I haven't played iPhone games for a few weeks really. I had a spare 11 minutes tonight, so I thought I'd jump back into Order & Chaos and kill a squirrel.

Driving back from Donnybrook last week, a squirrel wandered straight across the road. My reflexes were dulled by 4 hours behind the wheel and the soothing voice of Karl Pilkington. So I reacted by swerving into the oncoming traffic lane. Could have been fatal. Time for some revenge ...

The best place to look for a squirrel is in the forest, so off I went. After a while, I stopped to munch on some stale bread:

Who laid these paths? Seriously. Think about it. Who?

I was dispatching Bandits as quickly as a fat kid devours a Twix bar, but my true target remained hidden. People don't realise how cunning the squirrel can be. It's a natural survivor. Squirrels have remained, virtually unchanged, since the time of the dinosaurs. It is commonly believed that they evolved from birds, when in fact they are a completely unique species, correctly named the verticalis nuttomi draconis, literally "climbing nut-eating dragon".

Although prized for it's meat in the South American continent, it generally proves very difficult to catch. That's why I was so surprised when this obviously retarded squirrel bounded over the nearest hill:

Retarded or not, it's a dangerous animal. The yellow stripes warn away potential predators.

Despite it's mental retardation, I jumped straight into battle with the nasty beast, and my level 10 Mage spells proved very helpful:

You got pwned little bitch!! Killed it so fast, it was dead before I managed to screenshot the battle.

The creature was slain in a massive ball of fire and death, and soon I stood proudly over my conquest:

The only good squirrel is a dead squirrel. The woods are a safer place now.

Another fruitful expedition in the world of Order & Chaos.

-Gray

[iPhone] Let's Play Order & Chaos - episode 4

Episode 4 - Silence, Sewing and Spells

Today I decided to complete one of my quests which called for me trekking along a path, around the lake, and to the next town. This town is called "Silence".

So off I toddled, slaying crocodiles and giant spiders along the way. Every now and again I found a heap of material with gems sticking out. After picking away with my pick-axe, I found that these contained "bronze material". Strange.

Near the town of Silence, I came across a huge wooden bridge with a colossal waterfall to one side. This screenshot doesn't really do it justice:

Standing on a bridge looking up at the waterfall. I should have looked down instead.

Eventually I reached the town of "Silence". Pretty ironic name considering that this town is twice the size of "Fallen Leaf" where I started, and is bustling with NPCs:

"Silence" - it's anything but. The racket was deafening, frankly.

Honestly, I couldn't get a minutes peace. Apart from all the NPCs standing around with strange icons glowing over their heads, there were several real people running around, seemingly at random. Probably looking for the public toilets.

After stumbling between NPCs like a drunk toddler, I managed to find one who taught me the rare skills of "Tailoring". I could also have chosen to learn "Leather working" or "Metal working", but what self-respecting Mage wants to learn them?

Unfortunately, after some more research, I learned that constructing even a simple pair of boots is going to cost more silver (and time) than the boots will be worth. So I think I'll leave Crafting for a while yet.

Then I stumbled across the local Pub. I stepped inside. At first I thought, "Hmm this seems familiar". But I quickly realised that this place was an exact replica of the Pub in Fallen Leaf village. I mean, everything was identical. Even the local Sheriff was standing in the same spot, smashed out of his tree of course. Everybody had different names, but apart from that it was identical....

I said "Riiiiiight ....." and slowly backed out of the door.

Finally, I came across the local temple, inside which I picked up a couple more quests, and found somebody willing to sell me some new spells. So I bought Frost Bolt, and upgraded my existing spells. She didn't seem to be selling the "Make a Woman's Clothes Vanish" spell, but I'll keep searching.

I've been specialising in the "ice" type of spells rather than the "fire" type. My thinking is, there is already plenty of fireballs being chucked around -- it'd be "cool" to use ice magic. Plus, it gives me the opportunity to throw around some Mr. Freeze-style puns (YouTube - Mr. Freeze's Puns) -- "You are not sending me to the cooler!" Brilliant!

The Great Holy Temple of Holy Greatness.

By the way I'm now level 8 and I upgrading my old dagger for a nice, shiny staff.

-Gray

[iPhone] Let's Play Order & Chaos - episode 3

Episode 3 - Crocs, bears, and leather vests

Today I spent some of my hard-earned copper coins, and bought myself a new leather vest. Here is a shot of Varkiann modelling it in front of the "Fallen Leaf Water-wheel":

Winter fashion 2011 Catalogue. "Woodsman's Leather Vest", available in stores now.

After prancing about in my new clothing for a while, I decided to explore further to the west of town. I ventured over a sturdy wooden bridge, and through a large portcullis cut into a massive stone wall.

In the woods beyond, I battled giant green spiders, who resisted my fireballs, and spat a toxic venom at me! As I hacked and blasted my way through their ranks, I happened to notice a nearby fisherman leaning against a tree. Since this was strange, I walked over and talked to him. He wanted me to slay some "giant crocodiles" at the nearby lake. Of course. Makes perfect sense.

I made short work of the scaly bastards, too:

This critter will make a lovely pair of boots, to go along with my new vest!

I'm guessing this fantasy world doesn't have the equivalent of the R.S.P.C.A.. Since arriving, I've done nothing but slay innocent wild animals. Nobody bats an eyelid.

Returning to the fisherman for my reward, I notice he has a friend with him. A "bear hunter". Let me guess ... Yes, he wants me to kill a giant bear for him. A professional bear hunter, who presumably does this for a living, is asking a strange Mage to kill a bear for him.  Ok why not -- I've taken my dagger to every other animal in this damn forest ...

I find the big bear hiding next to a lovely waterfall. He's actually much bigger than I thought. As he charges at me with a bellow, I suddenly wish I'd made friends with a warrior type ... Time seems to slow down as he approaches. Then I realise it's just a lag spike. With the illogical sound of clashing blades, we meet in mortal combat! There can be only one!

This is just silly. What has this thing been eating?!?

I could smell the fetid breath of the great animal, as it swiped at me in disjointed and repetitive animations. It's arms seemed to be made up of about 3 polygons each, but those 3 packed a real wallop! 

Fortunately, our hero Varkiann isn't about to be destroyed by a honey-eating, tree-scratching bear -- no matter how big it is. With some deft spell work, including my newly-acquired "Frost Blast", I bring the beast crashing to the ground at my feet. ROAR! Epic battle, epic skills, epic victory:

This is what happens when you put wildlife within reach of me ...

With this job done, I head back in to town to finish up the night's session. I clear out my inventory by selling everything to the local weapons merchant, who inexplicably wants to buy my "spider poison" and "crocodile scales".

While I exit to the main menu, I wonder idly why it's always day time in here. It's exhausting. Is it really that hard to add a day/night cycle to a game? And why is my character wearing a skirt? I never noticed that before ...

-Gray

[iPhone] Let's Play Order & Chaos - episode 2

Episode 2 - Bandits, lag, and a sexy bard

Today I popped up in the Goblin camp. So, I slaughtered a few more of the little bastards. Eventually I hit level 5. Soon I will start getting some new skills and spells. Hopefully one of those spells is called "Make a Woman's Clothes Vanish", which would have been useful in the Tavern, as you'll read later ...

After a while, I explored the countryside a little more, and found a ruined keep. Some ugly, filthy, stinking bandits had taken up residence in here. Nothing a few Fireball spells can't fix, though.

If these wandering rogues think they can sit peacefully in an abandoned keep, chatting and passing the time with idle conversation, they've got another thing coming! Enter Varkiann, the wandering Mage of Pain, Death and Unwarranted Chastising! 

About to open a can of whoop-ass on some rogues.

After a while I found the boss of the bandits -- I approached him, ready for battle .... But nothing happened. Why did he and his cronies not attack? Are they scared of me? Has the reputation of Varkiann the Level 5 Mage reached them, and they're playing possum, hoping I'll leave?! ...

I realised the "ping indicator" was red ... Nothing happened for another 10 seconds. Finally the game caught up with the server, and instantly I was dead! Killed by lag!! Egads!

I woke up in the local graveyard:

Dazed and confused ... How did I get here?

I wandered back towards the local Tavern. Some random guy kept inviting me to join his group. I kept rejecting him. Varkiann the Mage works alone ... You don't play with the V-Dog, the V-Dog plays with you ... Varkiann can win a staring contest, with his eyes closed ... If you have $5 and Varkiann has $5, then Varkiann has more than you ... Ok now I'm just find-and-replace'ing Chuck Norris jokes.

The Drunk Sheriff was back to his usual tricks ... Namely, being drunk in the Tavern. He offered me a great reward if I would kill some more goblins for him! What treasures awaited me? ... A pair of old boots. I sighed, went and killed the goblins, and returned for my boots. Brilliant.

Then the Sheriff sent me off to find Vincent the scout, who would help me find and kill "Field" the Chief of the goblins. Finally, we're getting something useful done! I found Vincent and he sent me back to the Tavern, to talk to Anioah the Bard. She was standing about 5 paces from the Sheriff. Hmmmm, slightly annoying.

Luckily, she turned out to be smoking hot. I tried flirting with her, but due to her being an NPC, she wasn't too responsive. I said to her, "Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend ..."

She remained stony-faced and silent.

Of course, when I say smoking hot, I mean as hot as 9 polygons can ever be made to look:

"People call me Varkiann, but you can call me tonight <wink wink>"

With a blank expression (due to her facial texture not being animated), she told me how to find Field, lord of the Goblins -- so tomorrow, I will hunt this evil creature and bring an end to his reign of terror!!

Stay tuned ...

-Gray